6 Celebrities Violating Basic Boating Safety Rules

We’ve all seen the pictures. It seems that with every new issue of the popular tabloids, more and more celebrities are waving to the common folk from their prestigious position onboard their yachts. While most people see this as a blatant display of opulence and wealth, I see it as a blatant disregard for many of the top boating safety rules. The following offenders are just some of the worst.

1. George Clooney

Offense: Unsafe standing location. Failure to wear life vest.

Just to get this straight, not many celebrities like wearing life jackets. You will see this trend throughout this piece and in most cases; I will cut the unsafe offenders some slack. Many celebrities are just relaxing on their boats, and I can’t prove that they don’t have their life jackets on board somewhere. However when you are hanging from the side of your boat, apparently giving it an earthquake test, it is probably a good idea to be wearing one. Nobody likes a boat rocker, even when it’s George Clooney.

2. Amy Winehouse

Offense: Boating while intoxicated. Failure to wear life vest.

One of the most important safety rules on the high seas is not to mix drugs or alcohol with boating. Assuming this picture is indeed of Amy Winehouse and not Tim Curry from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, she is most definitely in violation of at least the alcohol half of that rule.

One can’t entirely be sure that she isn’t also shooting heroin into her ankle, as the picture is a little blurry, but one thing is for sure when I think of the words “sober” and “boat captain,” the last thing that comes to my mind is Amy Winehouse or the “Scuba Diva.”

3. Tom Brady

Offense: Child not wearing life vest.

Okay Tom, here’s the thing—I’ll ignore the fact that you pulled a Michael Jackson and covered your baby’s head with a blanket; but I can NOT ignore the fact that your child is clearly not wearing a life vest. We all know your stud baby will have an unnatural amount of athletic prowess one day, but the kid doesn’t even know how to sit up yet. It’s probably a good idea to make sure he won’t die when your super hot wife accidentally tosses him in the lake. So strap a vest on that boy and change your hat.

4. Jay-Z and Beyonce

Offense: No operator. Failure to wear life vests.

Here we have Jay-Z and Beyonce, waving to their fans. (We’ll assume that they have their vests under their seats, right next to the 15 platinum records they use as anchors.) They seem happy and well dressed; they are each boating with a partner, so there’s really nothing much going on here, right? Wrong.

Who’s driving the boat? We all know Jay-Z and Beyonce love their privacy. Judging by the wake under the boat and the wind in Sasha Fierce’s hair, they are seriously cruising. Is Jay-Z waving, or is he getting ready to pull a gun on anyone who tells him he can’t keep his boat on autopilot? Remember boaters: always keep someone at the helm.

5. Alex Rodriguez

Offense: Unsafe sitting location. Failure to wear life vests.

A-Rod is not only charged with one count of major flirting (as he is on a boat with some mysterious lady disguised for anonymity), but he is also guilty of sprawling all over a part of the boat not meant for sprawling, while also not wearing a life vest!

If a large wave or strong wind came and knocked him overboard, he’d be under water choking so fast you’d think it was October. He is clearly unsafe and doesn’t know a single thing about how to look cool on a boat.

6. Jack Nicholson

Offense:
Party boat. Boating while intoxicated. Failure to wear life vests.

All right Jack, you want a boat? You want a boat? YOU CAN’T HANDLE A BOAT! Let’s count the infractions, shall we?

Eight counts of no life vests. Two counts of being on parts of the boat unsafe for occupancy. At least three counts of open alcohol containers on board the boat. One count of creepy guy wearing a hat and sweatshirt. One count of man-boobs. Moreover, one big count of not wearing sunglasses during the ONLY time it would be appropriate to where sunglasses! Captain Jack, I hate to say it, but you are woefully unqualified to be responsible for this boat.

7. The Old Spice Guy

Offense: None.

Finally, someone is obeying the rules of boating safety. He is well dressed in a style reminiscent of Jay-Z or Jeter, yet he is clearly in control of his own vessel. He rows instead of using an engine, because motorboats are for quitters.

He carries around a picnic lunch in case he saves a drowning woman who also happens to be hungry. He doesn’t wear a life vest because in the event of an emergency, the boat would cling to him for safety. The Old Spice Guy is a true role model.

Since not all of us are like the Old Spice Guy, the rest of us should probably wear a life vest and follow boating safety rules (they are in place for a reason). Celebrities can be role models for those looking to make it big, but they definitely should not be considered role models for boating safety.